The tears were about what the status' didn't say. All the work and processes and downright sh**ty days. The doldrums. The endless rain. The searing heat. And the elation as well; the little moments that I will remember forever. The evidence is in -- I save face on Facebook.
I hit the books to discover what the tears were saying; the processing books -- that is -- and my journals. Straight from my pen to your eyes, here is what my statuses did not say.
- January 18 - Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The man has had a direct and profound influence on my life. I will work toward living up to my own expectations more.
- February 26 - 3 tiny, total strangers walked into our house today. Well, one was carried. So far, so good but truthfully, I'm terrified.
- March 13 - The anniversary party went off without a hitch -- but I have a nagging uneasiness.
- April 18 - I've been hit in the face with a brick. Make that gut. No, heart. I am flat out heartbroken, broken, beaten up -- no sign of hope. Desolate. Inconsolable. Mad as hell. Calling for reinforcements and thank God for my girls.
- May 5 - Back and forth about the babies. Feeling nuts. Should they go or stay? Love them so much but not sure how solid my marriage is yet.
- June 15 - Quit my job today. Sh*t. Now what? Guess now I get to see who I am outside of what I do.
- July 9 - Dumbfounded, astounded, in shock. Inconceivably, birthmom terminated her rights. Feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. Oh my God. Thank you, thank you.
- August 12 - 5 years since Karissa died. Still don't get it. Why?
- September 24 -Today, I have a 14 year old. Sooooooo grateful for this one and her life with us. She's too big for me to make it all better anymore but I'm gonna keep trying.
- October 7 - missed a call this morning, Gabe almost missed the bus, ran late fixing coffee for Gina. House a mess, hair a mess, I'm a mess. What's the point?
- November 18: Tomorrow's adoption day. Today I'm wondering if I'm too old, too fat, too out of touch, too poor, too unemployed, too selfish and too lazy. Hmm. Looks like I have some "work" to do before bed.
- November 29 - Mom and Dad headed home. Tired but elated -- it's been a good visit. If I'm on my back about anything, it's all the eating. Oops.
I am going for a more honest expression of myself in 2011. Otherwise, what's the point?