Saving Face on Facebook

 Sometimes I entertain myself by doing silly stuff on Facebook, like yesterday's My Year in Status - 2010 in Review.  It's pink, it's pretty, it's bright  -- and it's pretty much the good stuff.  And yet, as I reviewed, I noticed there were tears running down my face. 

The tears were about what the status' didn't say.  All the work and processes and downright sh**ty days.  The doldrums.  The endless rain.  The searing heat.  And the elation as well; the little moments that I will remember forever.  The evidence is in -- I save face on Facebook. 

I hit the books to discover what the tears were saying; the processing books -- that is -- and my journals.  Straight from my pen to your eyes, here is what my statuses did not say.

• January 18  - Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  The man has had a direct and profound influence on my life.  I will work toward living up to my own expectations more.
  
• February 26 - 3 tiny, total strangers walked into our house today.  Well, one was carried.  So far, so good but truthfully, I'm terrified.
  
• March 13 - The anniversary party went off without a hitch -- but I have a nagging uneasiness. 
  
• April 18 - I've been hit in the face with a brick.  Make that gut.  No, heart.  I am flat out heartbroken, broken, beaten up -- no sign of hope. Desolate.  Inconsolable.  Mad as hell.  Calling for reinforcements and thank God for my girls.
  
• May 5 -  Back and forth about the babies.  Feeling nuts.  Should they go or stay?  Love them so much but not sure how solid my marriage is yet.
  
• June 15 - Quit my job today.  Sh*t.  Now what?  Guess now I get to see who I am outside of what I do.
  
• July 9 - Dumbfounded, astounded, in shock.   Inconceivably, birthmom terminated her rights.  Feel like the weight of the world has been lifted.  Oh my God.  Thank you, thank you.
  
• August 12 - 5 years since Karissa died.  Still don't get it.  Why?
  
• September 24 -Today,  I have a 14 year old.  Sooooooo grateful for this one and her life with us.  She's too big for me to make it all better anymore but I'm gonna keep trying.
  
• October 7 - missed a call this morning, Gabe almost missed the bus, ran late fixing coffee for Gina.  House a mess, hair a mess, I'm a mess.  What's the point?
  
• November 18:  Tomorrow's adoption day. Today I'm wondering if I'm too old, too fat, too out of touch, too poor, too unemployed, too selfish and too lazy.  Hmm.  Looks like I have some "work" to do before bed.
  
• November 29 - Mom and Dad headed home.  Tired but elated -- it's been a good visit.  If I'm on my back about anything, it's all the eating.  Oops.

That's part of what I didn't say.   It was exposing to see so much unsaid.  And when I read between the lines of not only of the few I've listed here but all that I read last night, I see the things unsaid as opportunities missed. Opportunities to be myself, to be vulnerable, to be truthful, naked, real;  to be awakened.  Following each of these times were times of support and connection;  times I reached out and collaborated with others both on the problems and the possibilities.  Why couldn't that collaboration be a part of my "Facebook face?"  It could and it can.

I am going for a more honest expression of myself in 2011.  Otherwise, what's the point?