A Year for Vision and Celebration

I had the most lovely dream last night. Or I should say, I had an amazing dream THIS night as it's 2:00 in the morning! I was working with a group to create a Christmas display in a community. In my dream, it was Lockhart, TX, probably because I drove through their square and past their gorgeous old courthouse today.

We were working as a group to create various pieces of this immense and sprawling display. It was a true extravaganza! As we would wind down in one area, a new idea would emerge and all would pitch in to bring that vision to fruition, using the talents and know-how of the group and gathering materials from what was on hand. And so we went from area to area, each more lovely than the next, more interactive, more alive, somehow.

At the last, we decided to work on a swing that would lower a lovely lady slowly to the ground. As as she alighted, something in the display was illuminated. It was my mentor, Sue Oldham, now many years gone. Sue was a fiercely loyal, loving and tough, athletic woman, toughest on herself, and I was mesmerized by this side of her, so soft and radiant and light. 

 We worked and worked on this and kept trying to overcome structural problems and various issues to make it work, because it was "my baby" and I do not like to give up. Finally it was "curtain time" and people were about to walk through and the person acting as MC and construction boss, called it and took that bit out of the display, mainly for safety reasons. It was one of my trainers, Dr. Richard Perry. So we moved away the pulleys and let down our "angel" and  re-secured the tent to make sure it was all sound. 

 Richard then told me, "Slow down; rest now and take in your creation!" Perhaps uncharacteristically, I was able to do exactly that. I remember fleeing for a minute to quiet down the mind-talk and accept reality. I was very quickly able to move to acceptance and see it all as it was and to truly celebrate what we had created. 

As I awoke, the message was loud and clear to me. There has to be a time in which we stop making "improvements" and we embrace our efforts (and ourselves.)  Sometimes, our best, really has to be good enough. 

It is so tempting this time of year to look at all we've missed or stumbled upon in the past year, and vow to be better, do better, strive harder, etc. Certainly, there are plenty of places in my life where I need to  do that. There are other places too, though, where I need to bask more in the joy of the creation. 

I hope your new year is full of promise, hope, vision  and resolution . . . and also, celebration; soaking in who you are and what you've done in the world. This year, celebrate you!

 Happy New Year. 

Image by kurt duschek from Pixabay 

A Change of Face

Lately I have been in "powering through" mode. Some might call it, "Soldiering On" mode.

I'm made of tough stock. The pioneer spirit is still alive and well in my family. I have years of training in "soldiering on." Never give up, never call a truce, never admit defeat; just lace up your boots, set your jaw and power through.

This isn't the most productive or joyful way to live but by golly, it gets the job done. With the new year streaking toward me like a comet, fast and and inevitably, it's a good time for a change of pace. Or perhaps I might say, a change of "face."

It's time to put on a new face, to relax my jaw, and to breathe deeply. It's time to make real and faithful choices about how I want to live my life day-to-day.  It's time to un-wind the metronome and create the life I want in 2015.

My first step in doing this has been to re-create my schedule for the coming months.  Instead of letting time run me, I will be thoughtful about how to have the time for what matters most. There are finite hours in each day and I am away from home for 9 of them. Having a schedule doesn't mean I am tied rigidly to what's on a piece of paper, but instead helps me keep in mind the things I've chosen as valuable. 

My second step is to have a physical reminder to check my jaw. I've set a chime on my phone to remind me at regular intervals to check in with myself and see if I'm awake and making choices or slipped back to "soldiering on." 

My third step is setting aside time every day for meditation, reflection and processing the events of the previous day. Making conscientious choices moment by moment is the goal, but I find that hard to achieve without time each day to reflect and course-correct.

Lastly, I will actively work to restore a support system. I had an aborted attempt at starting a new support relationship earlier this fall. I will go, hat-in-hand, to that person and ask for a do-over. If that can't or won't work, I will come up with a new plan. I am happiest in my life when I have someone present in my life to help me remember who I am and what I'm about when I temporarily forget.  

What about you? Is this a good time for a change of face?

6-Word Resolutions to Write on the Clean Slate

Here it is, folks, the clean page, the empty slate, the fresh start. A brand spankin' sparkly new New Year with all its hope and promise. Every year I make resolutions because they do serve me. I print them out , I repeat them in my journal and I write them in a fine hand to go on the refrigerator. I strive to keep them. Often, they form the basis for my Lenten Sacrifices and my Advent promises. 

I checked to see how I did last year. I am pleased with the results.

2013 6-Word Resolutions

Quiet: Take time every day to listen 

Exercise: 2 hours, 6 days, every week 

Nourish: Food that feeds me body and soul

Play:  Time each day with each one

Love:  Notice resistance, be myself, embrace vulnerability

Serve: Offer what I have freely, frequently

 I was very successful with Quiet, Nourish, Love, and Serve. Exercise fell apart in late March when I had my "spa vacation" at Seton. I had a tough time starting up again vigorously after the excitement in July but am full steam ahead now. At present, I'm doing an hour a day, 6 days. I will build up slowly from there.

Play also suffered some. I have shown some improvement with school out for the holidays but I do want to be mindful of each member of the family needing my undivided attention, even briefly, every day. 

Over all, it was a successful year. I feel sure I'd have not made this much progress without my resolutions to remind and guide me. I thought about just re-running them for this year, but instead took a fresh look.

I love the 6-word resolutions because they force me to think about what matters most to me. I hope you will consider some categories for yourself and give it a try.

Without further ado, here are my resolutions for 2014:

Health and Body - Fight hard every day, eat sustain-ably

 Education and Spiritual Growth - Bellarmine, de Montfort, reading, meditation and prayer

Vocation/Work - Learn Spanish, dream big, be daring

Relationships- Love with passion, live with forgiveness

Money and  Possessions -Acquire less, give lots, save more

Service - Choose and serve with care;  stay connected

So how about you? Any resolutions this year? My hope is that your 2014 will be filled with love and light and your resolutions be kept! Blessings.

Resolutionary Manifesto

It's New Year's Eve and I sit on the peak, only hours away from the fresh start, the clean slate, and square one; the new opportunity of a brand-spanking-new year.  If you've known me more than a minute, you'll recognize I'm the optimistic sort that truly relishes the new beginning.

Thus, I'm also a "Resolutionist" - the type of person who uses that blank page to write in a new me in the form of resolutions -- or more precisely, disciplines -- that will guide my plans and actions in the new year.  Some years my resolutions have been stringent, precise, and exacting. On other years I've chosen to be more vague, leaving room for interpretation as I travel the year-long path.  Last year, I remained mindful of my resolutions through the long and winding journey of 12 months; many times they are discarded after Easter either by choice or unconsciousness.

For the first time in a while, I'm turning the page on the calendar with a fresh face. I set out to have a conscientious Advent season and I think I succeeded; I find myself in the middle of the Christmas season and at the end of the year with a clearer idea of what will support me in the months to come.

Our home is a cacophany of joyous (or not) noise and activity all day long.  It's a surprisingly strenuous task to direct this busy household and support 6 other people.  I'd not trade it for piles of gold and yet I freely admit, it's the most difficult role I've ever held.

I've realized that in addition to my completely sincere and essential (though oft stated) plans to exercise and eat healthfully, what is most needed in my Resolutionary Manifesto for 2013 is frequent opportunity for quiet, reflection, meditation, processing and a deep breath.

During the time of preparation that is Advent, I have been faithful to a minimum of 30 minutes a day of quiet meditation (often much more) and it is bearing fruit in me already.  I feel deeply revived.  I feel settled in my body and my legs are strong beneath me.  Don't get me wrong, I am stressed more often than I wish I were, but I more quickly recognize it, take the deep breath, regroup and/or apologize.  I see more and I feel more so I love more.  It's simple.  Maintenance of this time of prayer and reflection is my utmost priority in 2013. If I do not mention it again, please ask me how it's going.

Here is my six-word resolution for this year:

Quiet: Take time every day to listen

Exercise: 2 hours, 6 days, every week

Nourish: Food that feeds me body and soul

Play:  Time each day with each one

Love:  Notice resistance, be myself, embrace vulnerability

Serve: Offer what I have freely, frequently

Perhaps you will have a moment in the next 24 hours to take a deep breath for yourself, consider the year just past, then joyfully rip off the cover of the new calendar and write down some of your hopes and dreams. May your new year be your most Resolutionary ever!

Cheers.

δίψυχος

I once majored in Ancient Greek.  I do not remember much these days, but I often think about one particular word, δίψυχος.*  It appears often in ancient literature and it means, literally, "of two souls" or "of two selves."  I think of it as "of two minds."

I am so often "of two minds."  Likely this developed partly as the result of being a middle child -- I could look both ways and see a reflection of myself.  I often sat in between my two closest siblings and I developed excellent peripheral vision;  you need to look from both sides of your head when you sit in the middle and it certainly has stood me in good stead as mama to five!

For years, I could see the benefit of this.  I am a good mediator; I can see both sides of the argument.  I forgive easily because I can so empathize with the other person.  I am generally empathetic, which is why babies love me and school principals - not so much!  It makes me easy to hang out with; I am equally fond of martinis and coffee.  Whatever you are in the mood for will probably bring a smile to me, as well.  Prefer beer?  That's fine with me.  Iced tea?  I can go there! Sweet or un-sweet?  No matter -  I love them both.

So you see the trouble.   For δίψυχος also means wavering and fickle; in fact it points to a kind of faithlessness.  When, for example, I am in a leadership role, sometimes people just want to be led.  They lose faith when I present too many options;  and the internal pressure to commit sometimes catapults me into bossiness.  It's a kind of dissimulation.  And it can be frustrating as heck.

I am easily distracted, I am sometimes indecisive, others doubt me and  I often doubt myself.  On the other hand, I have a knack for soothing, for helping people see the other side, for loving challenging people because I can just see the hurt child beneath.


I wonder how much of my dissimulation comes about because I put myself in situations that are actually too much of a stretch for me?  I know it sounds like I am wimping out but truly, I wonder, isn't there some innate value in realizing how I am made and embracing it?

To reach my full "potential" shall I see this as personality flaw and work to overcome it?  Or is it in fact possible that there is room in our world for the middle child with eyes on both sides of her head?  Perhaps our society needs a little δίψυχος now and then.

But I can't say for sure, because of course, I am of two minds about it! (Wink.)

*Transliteration: dipsuchos

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Update, a decade later:

I think the biggest change in me is that a couple of years after this was written, I decided to stop sidling sideways toward my purpose, and run straight at it. My entire life, all I've ever wanted "to be" was a teacher. In 2014 in an odd quest to get more "steps" in my day, I followed a friend into Special Education as a paraprofessional and instantly felt "at home."  Within 8 months, I was a certified teacher and began teaching in the fall of 2015. I have never looked back -- or sideways, for that matter. 

I believe that some of my "double-mindedness" had to do with my evasion of my purpose. My dad had strongly discouraged me from teaching when I finished high school. He had a lack of faith -- a big skepticism, actually -- in the educational bureaucracy so I did not pursue it. I have been a "teacher," for sure, but not in the way I truly desired. 

I wake up every day excited to go to work. Tired? Occasionally. Stressed? At times, mostly predictable. Nonetheless, I want to go. I am often working outside of school because nothing else so joyfully and thoroughly occupies my thoughts. My only regret, if I have one, is that because I got a later start, I'll have fewer years to teach. 

Teaching in a Special Ed classroom means I work with a team of paraprofessionals. This has necessitated more leadership and less of the  laissez faire attitude I tend to adopt. When you are required to lead, you lead or decisions take their own course in the vacuum. I have grown as a leader, certainly, and have the scars to prove it. Teaching, at least in the US, means being a part of a large team of women with only a few men. Having worked with mostly men in my professional life, this has been a difficulty for me but has also helped me welcome my feminine side and encouraged me to soften. 

That "middle child" pleaser still dwells within and is usually quite happy to do whatever pleases the majority. This means I play games with my kids still at home when I "should" be doing housework and that my house is currently full of other people's belongings. Bur it's all good and will sort itself in time. Very shortly, they will all be gone, my house will be clean and I will be so grateful to go to school each day to the children. 

This has become a very long post. Thank you for reading it.