"Fix You"

The band, Coldplay, has a popular song called "Fix You."  The song has a haunting and memorable tune, but the lyrics are challenging.  I keep trying to like this song.  I've read the lyrics several times and aside from the fact that the "story" is illusive at best, it's the whole notion of fix you  that bothers me.

I don't think Coldplay was trying to make some grand statement with the song.  I suspect they were just trying to make an album!  Yet every time I hear my kids humming the tune, I shudder a bit.  I find off-putting the notion that when a person is hurting, another can put them back together.  It's a fallacy of youth.  It's an idealistic view of love that says loving someone means being able to make it "all better" for them.

It turns out that with 5 kids, someone almost always needs something in the way of attention or intervention.  Someone in particular, needs more for some period of time.  And as a mother, I'm wired to try to -- well -- fix it. Usually I can do something to help but what is becoming increasingly clear is that I cannot fix it -- whatever "it" is -- because, in fact, "it" is not broken.

Whatever it is I have to overcome today is my lesson to learn.  You can take Muhammad to the mountain but you can't climb it for him. Each and every one of my challenges is there for me to conquer or be conquered by and in the end, I will be a more whole person for engaging in the battle.

If I "fix" something for one of my kids, life will just turn up the volume, and eventually they will still have to climb that mountain for themselves.  Often I wish it weren't true but I know it's for the best.  I think a sign of maturity is realizing that challenges really are opportunities to grow and that an easy life is one in which we aren't learning very much. 

So let's have a deal.  You come to me any time you need an ear and I will listen.  [If I temporarily forget and try to "fix you" you can remind me!]  Then after you have had your say, I will lovingly but firmly support you to climb that mountain for yourself.  If you need some climbing suppliers, let me know!

"PC" Talk - Food for Thought

Yesterday I told The Blitz, "Be a better baby!  Be a better baby!"  I said it because I like the rhythm of alliteration.  Normally I say, "Make a wise choice!" or, "Be a good friend," or "Share with your sister, please."  This clear departure from the usual patter caught Pepper's attention.
She called me on it.  "Why did you say that mom?  Why didn't you just say, 'Be good!'"?

"I don't want to label him as good or bad.   I am asking for what I want.  I am being specific.  I am trying to raise a kid who thinks and not just one who tries to stay out of trouble.  We can't be 'good' but we can be 'better."   Sometimes we can make a 'wiser' choice but we can't always make a 'good' one.  I am trying to make it do-able."

She pondered this a minute.  "Well, I remember being little and you saying "Make a wise choice" and me thinking, 'She wants me to be good.'"

Hmmm. Perhaps there is such a thing as too "enlightened parenting."  I'm not sure.  I have to ponder it a bit.

Both Pepper and Sunshine are "good kids."  We say it all the time -- though not to them.

To them, we say, "You are thoughtful.  We trust you to make wise decisions.  Your schoolwork reflects your hard work.  You're responsible.  You're a hard worker.  You are beautiful inside and out -- and the insides are what count the most.  You're a good friend."

Yet, even though we tried to raise them differently, I'm not sure we did.   It's thinly veiled, at best.  It's clearly human nature to label things.  I see it in "the Littles" all the time.

"Girl".
"Boy"
"Bad."
"Happy."
"Hungry."
"Hurt."
"Mad."
"Pretty."
"Cute."
"Yucky."

They don't get all this from me (though I can imagine the fingers pointing!)  It is in them.  We have religiously avoided the label "bad" with all "our" kids -- and yet it is one of the first words each of these "Littles" have said.  A child who makes a "poor choice" is frequently chastised by one of the other two as "bad, bad."  No amount of ignoring or protesting on our part has changed this.  And even though they've not heard the word from us in 8 months, they still know it and use it!

I don't think this revelation will necessarily change my parenting style --but a dose of reality sweetly administered by a wiser-than-her-years 14 year old is certainly useful.  Food for thought.

*Note -- this is a "double post" from my family life blog, Bright Love - Living Large in a Big Family
If you don't know who the "players" are, you can get a roster here.

Announcement

My news of the day is that I have a new blog. I know, I know, I don't post that regularly here, but that is because what I often want to write about is my now-large family and all the life-changing things going on there. And I am thinking that those topics are not always a fit for this blog which is more from the Life Coach point of view.

The blog is called, "Bright Love - Living Large in a Big Family." It has a three-fold purpose:

1) to relate stories of life lived en mass
2) to share whatever I am learning about home management for seven people (and hopefully pick up a few tips on the way)
3) to chronicle the fun, funny, crazy life we lead because as I've learned with the older girls, time goes way fast.

I know this isn't for everyone and if it isn't for you, please recommend it to anyone who might enjoy it. I love the interaction on my blogs and since this one won't go on my Facebook feed, I'd like to build a little readership.

Thanks for reading and I'll be back soon with something on living a bright life!

Holiday stress

Today I woke up and suddenly remembered something: if I am putting off doing something, it's not because I don't have time. It's because I'm scared; so I decided that it was time to start blogging!

I notice my priorities are shifting. I want my family to have a beautiful holiday season. I want them to have me, standing in my authority, relaxed, having fun. I don't want my evil twin -- "Stressed Out Crazed Mom" -- to show up. Therefore, I have taken a proactive stand against holiday stress.

Instead of sending holiday cards today, I spent a half hour with my calendar and blocked out loads of time for all of the events happening in the next ten days. I blocked out "tea time" so I can chat with my girls every afternoon. I added an hour cushion on both sides of every commitment I have so I can be relaxed getting there and about going home. I blocked out "dressing up" time before each party so we can all look our best without my yelling at everyone to get to that point! I even added laundry time to make sure those "ready to wear" duds are actually ready to wear!

I have declared my shopping "finished." I planned the simplest menu EVER for Christmas Eve, and every time I start feeling guilty about it, I am going to write down three reasons why it makes sense to UNcomplicate my life -- or three reasons I want to focus on the family and not the food!

So what am I going to do with all this free time? Here are my holiday resolutions:

I am going to sit in the "company" room and just take in the lovely decorations I've put up.
I am going to actually read every holiday card I receive.
I am going to laugh more, dance more, make more hot cocoa, and listen more.
I am going to LIVE IT UP and cherish this beautiful life I've been blessed with.

I hope you will do the same. My holiday wish is that you will be richly blessed with the love of friends and family and that you will soak it up!