Saving Face on Facebook

 Sometimes I entertain myself by doing silly stuff on Facebook, like yesterday's My Year in Status - 2010 in Review.  It's pink, it's pretty, it's bright  -- and it's pretty much the good stuff.  And yet, as I reviewed, I noticed there were tears running down my face. 

The tears were about what the status' didn't say.  All the work and processes and downright sh**ty days.  The doldrums.  The endless rain.  The searing heat.  And the elation as well; the little moments that I will remember forever.  The evidence is in -- I save face on Facebook. 

I hit the books to discover what the tears were saying; the processing books -- that is -- and my journals.  Straight from my pen to your eyes, here is what my statuses did not say.

• January 18  - Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.  The man has had a direct and profound influence on my life.  I will work toward living up to my own expectations more.
  
• February 26 - 3 tiny, total strangers walked into our house today.  Well, one was carried.  So far, so good but truthfully, I'm terrified.
  
• March 13 - The anniversary party went off without a hitch -- but I have a nagging uneasiness. 
  
• April 18 - I've been hit in the face with a brick.  Make that gut.  No, heart.  I am flat out heartbroken, broken, beaten up -- no sign of hope. Desolate.  Inconsolable.  Mad as hell.  Calling for reinforcements and thank God for my girls.
  
• May 5 -  Back and forth about the babies.  Feeling nuts.  Should they go or stay?  Love them so much but not sure how solid my marriage is yet.
  
• June 15 - Quit my job today.  Sh*t.  Now what?  Guess now I get to see who I am outside of what I do.
  
• July 9 - Dumbfounded, astounded, in shock.   Inconceivably, birthmom terminated her rights.  Feel like the weight of the world has been lifted.  Oh my God.  Thank you, thank you.
  
• August 12 - 5 years since Karissa died.  Still don't get it.  Why?
  
• September 24 -Today,  I have a 14 year old.  Sooooooo grateful for this one and her life with us.  She's too big for me to make it all better anymore but I'm gonna keep trying.
  
• October 7 - missed a call this morning, Gabe almost missed the bus, ran late fixing coffee for Gina.  House a mess, hair a mess, I'm a mess.  What's the point?
  
• November 18:  Tomorrow's adoption day. Today I'm wondering if I'm too old, too fat, too out of touch, too poor, too unemployed, too selfish and too lazy.  Hmm.  Looks like I have some "work" to do before bed.
  
• November 29 - Mom and Dad headed home.  Tired but elated -- it's been a good visit.  If I'm on my back about anything, it's all the eating.  Oops.

That's part of what I didn't say.   It was exposing to see so much unsaid.  And when I read between the lines of not only of the few I've listed here but all that I read last night, I see the things unsaid as opportunities missed. Opportunities to be myself, to be vulnerable, to be truthful, naked, real;  to be awakened.  Following each of these times were times of support and connection;  times I reached out and collaborated with others both on the problems and the possibilities.  Why couldn't that collaboration be a part of my "Facebook face?"  It could and it can.

I am going for a more honest expression of myself in 2011.  Otherwise, what's the point?  

Work and Our Natures

Today, I re-read one of my early blog posts, "The Nature of Work." I can't help looking at the synchronicity; I posted that at the very time I realized the full extent of the driven-ness that seemed such an inherent part of my personality. I set out on a course to started to systematically disassemble it. Clearly this dismantling is an ongoing process and yet one in which I can see definite change.

My musings about work back then were the beginnings of that journey; I was coming to the realization the the products of my work are more intangible than I grew up expecting them to be. I have yet to produce the great American novel or a fine painting. I don't have a single invention, patent nor any goods to show. I realized many years ago that I am unlikely to be "famous." Nonetheless, imaginary judges critique every word and action; and somehow I often fall short.

Like many of you, I was brought up by hard-working parents who set a good example of responsibility and productivity. Fair enough. At age 51, however, I think I can hardly blame them for any compunction toward proving myself that lingers on today. I think it is in our natures to make work tower in importance and define us -- but I don't think the fact that's it natural means it has to be that way! Lice are natural too -- but I don't want 'em!

These days, my major occupation is "mama." And yet, I can still quite easily get driven. So it turns out, after all these years, what I have always suspected is actually true -- it's not the job causing me stress, it's me!

I know that what is required is radical truth telling. What life is demanding of me is that I determine what is truly of value and rewrite the code for that scrolling critique that runs my internal Twitter status. I am doing some self-remembering lately. I recommend it!

Here are some things you can do to dismantle the driven-ness in you:

- Several times each day (set an alarm) pause to take a couple of deep breaths and take a look around. Refocus your life to the present.
- Write down the lies you are telling yourself (i.e., "I have to be perfect," "I have to get a promotion"); it's safe to assume that if it starts with "I have to . . ." it bears examining.
- Write down a "being" goal each day; we are all pretty good at making to-do lists, how about a "to be" list?

These things are pulling the plug on the stress for me; I am living that "bright life" more often these days. Let me know how it goes for you!


The very beating of your heart has meaning and purpose.

Your actions have value far greater than silver or gold.

Your life... and what you do with it today...matters forever.
Andy Andrews