I'm not sure when it began, but there has been a slow and steady shift in me. I felt it on the inside a couple of years back but I'm now hearing about it from the outside, a sort of confirmation for me.

I talk a lot in this blog about "lifeshocks," those wake up calls we get from God or life that tell us, "Wake up, be present!" Sometimes they are subtle, like a child misbehaving in a way that looks exactly like me. Others are huge, like the death of a loved one or losing a job (or the converse, a new baby or a windfall of money).

Since 1992, I have made a conscientious effort to pay attention to the lessons in my lifeshocks. Like everyone, I go through periods of sticking my head in the sand and trying to ignore these nudges and when that happens, they just get louder and louder until I have to pay attention! Back in the early 90s, my main goal was to find joy, to have a joyful life. That happened almost the instant I started paying attention! My secondary goal was to be a serene person; I wanted to learn to weather my lifeshocks with grace and tranquility.

That one took longer. Honestly, sometimes Life batters me around like a raft in a hurricane and tosses me, shipwrecked, on some foreign shore. Yet I notice it happens less and less often. It takes a big one, these days, to throw me off completely.

I had an unprovoked and amazing affirmation toward the end of school. Someone I work closely with and whom I greatly admire said, "Dreena, I want you to know I am trying to be more like you. You are a pillar of calmness and serenity in here."

Lifeshock! I do feel very calm and do not let little things or things outside my control rattle me, but it was so evocative to have someone notice it and call it out. Wow!! It's good to know, too, that my serenity does not look like complacency because -- on the inside -- it is anything but! I am focused on doing as an old Rudyard Kipling poem says, "keep my head while all about me are losing theirs."

I read a quote from Jean Nidetch, founder of Weight Watchers, after her death.  She said, "I do believe people can change." I believe it too. Genetics play a huge role in our personality but so do habitual responses. Automatic behaviors and learned responses so often rule the day. We are not slaves to these bad habits! We are able to learn to curb a harsh tongue, take a deep breath in crisis, learn to be less defensive, or become empathetic. Awareness is the first step. Choosing to be different is the second.

It's a self-serving time; we are in another "me" generation. Yet it is also a reflective and growth oriented time. As a nation, we have the opportunity to make a real difference in arenas of poverty, child welfare, hate crimes, our political system and climate change, as a start. Change happens from within. When, as individuals, we recognize our power to break free of the crippling habits and behaviors of our pasts, as a whole, we are then empowered to act on our collective conscious and work to reform our communities.

What is solid and holy and blooming in you? What steps can you take to nurture it and let it bear fruit?

Dishevled and Expectant, Oh My!

I've been in a slump lately.  Literally.  I notice that I am not holding myself upright.  My house is messy although I seem to spend all day cleaning it.  I am not getting myself to the gym although I'm now well enough to go.   My coupons aren't sorted and my email inbox is filling up.  I'm not keeping my eating disciplines. I'm avoiding studying; I'm watching TV when I'd normally be productive.  My life is just a little disheveled. 

You know where I'm going with this, right? It's not because we've all been sick.  It's not because of the (blessing) rain and we've all been cooped up.  It's because at some point, several days ago, I had what More To Life terms a "lifeshock."  It's when something - even something seemingly innocuous -- happens and my brain starts making up it's own version of the truth.  In my case lifeshocks often occur when I have a lot of expectations about how poeple or things "should be."   I did a little "research" (aka digging around in my brain) and found the lifeshock. 

On Valentine's Day (which we had been gearing up toward for weeks), just as I was making my first batch of heart shaped pancakes, Maggie threw up.  And she kept throwing up through four rooms, 2 sets of sheets, and 3 outfits.  She ran a fever.  She moaned.  She wept.  And I felt awful.  I was so upset that she could not have her Valentine's Day, that she couldn't wear her new outfit, that she and I would be at home while the rest did our annual Valentine's bowling.  I felt worse as, over the course of the day, I had to tell her 56 times that she absolutely could not have any of her Valentine candy.  She spent the day lying on the living room floor looking morose. 

Until she felt better.  Then she was awful.  She did anything she could think of to retaliate.  She tested me in every way and I failed.  Miserably.  I talked mean.  I withheld attention.  At one point I gave her the silent treatment.  I failed to notice that I was as disappointed as she was.  Bummer.

The real problem wasn't the lifeshock, though.  The difficulty was the 4 days I let it fester and compound.  That's when I started slouching; small surprise with that giant weight I was carrying!  Then I woke up this morning and slouched out to the living room and I could hear my dear friend Sue Oldham saying, "Got a cat on your back?" 

And that's when I woke up.  I woke up to my own disappointment about Valentine's Day, my own unmet expectations (oops!); woke up to Maggie's attachment disorder and her real need to test me; I woke up to that fact that though I sometimes fail, I am in fact doing the best I can and I too, am worthy of my forgiveness and a "do-over." Parenting isn't always this hard but sometimes it is.  I am not always so "in the dark" but this time I was. 

Since I am utterly incapable of going back in time, I did the only thing I could.  I sat up straight and I opened my eyes. I noticed my lifeshock, I did my work, and I made my choices. 

Waking up is freeing; it's as the saying goes, "And then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."  Next time, I'll choose differently.  Or I won't and then I will undoubtedly get another opportunity to practice.  And that's what I call grace.