Choosing to Love

19 years ago when I met Paul, we chose to love each other. It was definitely not love at first sight. We were both in our mid-thirties, committed to settling down, hopeful about building a family; we each had a vision for a relationship and therefore, we chose to love each other.

Love is always a choice. Sometimes it comes easier than others, but it's always a choice. The last three years have been stressful ones around here. They have been "good" years, for sure, but some of the hard choices we've made have meant that things are more stressful than at other times. I come from two long lines of hard-working people, so when I am under stress, my natural instinct is to put my head down and work. If I do that for too long, I start to close my heart. The work becomes my focus and I forget to let in and out the love I have for the very people one whose behalf I'm working.

That realization is what started me on my quest to open my heart back in February. Since then, I have been allowing myself to remember how much I love the people around me. For the most part, my expressions of love have been met with appreciation. The "side effect" to being closed-hearted is that it tends to make the people around me closed-hearted too. So when I remember love is a choice and open my heart again, they don't always do so instantly. Sometimes, they have to learn to trust again. That part is not my purview. All I can do is offer, sincerely, what I have to offer. Part of the process of opening the heart is to notice and remove my demands that others accept or reciprocate that love.

There have been many sweet moments of love, lately, and one awkward one. A sweet moment came in reaching out to a younger relative and she reached back to say, "That is just what I needed to hear today." Another sweet moment was my open-heartedness toward a total stranger at the bank led him to say, "I am coming in here everyday. You make me feel so good about myself."

The awkward moment came in the ER during an unplanned cardio-version on Tuesday. Though all the ER personnel had said he wouldn't, my kind, amazing cardiologist showed up (off-call) to check on me in person. He got there at the exact moment they began administering my phenterol and I was a little --well -- drunk. I looked at him and said in a gushy voice, "Dr. Vaisman, you're my superhero." It was a a little awkward, but he took the complement with grace.

I have just ended yet another unplanned heart-related hospital stint -- only 4 days this time, in two different hospitals, with two different cardio procedures -- and I have added a lot more "loves" to my life-list. So many kind people cared for me in the past four days and so many people near and far have reached out to me with love and care. I am grateful that  my heart is open to receive it!

Hey, Dr. Vaisman and Dr. Sanchez, maybe that's why my heart keeps beating so fast!

Sound Track of my Life

I'm a "morning person." I used to be quite sadly alone in the morning and, in fact, if I go in to wake up Dear Hubby or "the Bigs," they've been known to shout, "I'm up, I'm up -- don't sing."  Then along came the Littles and like most youngsters, they're morning people too.  We quite often use the radio on the kitchen stereo in the mornings to listen to music, but just as often we're listening to a playlist on my iPod.

Music has been such an important part of my life and, dare I say it?, has become even more since the advent of the iPod and MP3 player. Being able to have the music of my choosing that fits my mood any time I want it -- I love that!  My iPod has songs that remind me of both happy and sad times in my life, songs from high school all the way to present; I have playlists for going to sleep (when that's challenging), lists to inspire exercise or reflection and playlists from special events and trainings. These songs immediately bring to mind loved ones far and near. They are a kind of soundtrack of my life. Sometimes hearing one of these songs reminds me to write a note or send an email to reach out and say, "I see you. Thank you for being in my life."

Recently I noticed I had quite a few cheery morning songs amassed and decided to put together a morning songs playlist. Our new tradition is to start each day listening to our "Good Morning" soundtrack. It's an eclectic mix of songs that make us smile. Since we started the morning playlist, I've noticed that we are all cheerier and things go more smoothly. It may not be a pretty sight, but anytime you can get Mama dancing in the kitchen, it's going to be a better day. Also, I can't help but wonder when the kids are grown up, will hearing one of these songs remind them of home? Will they remember somewhere there is a mama who still loves them, will they crave  eggs or oatmeal, will they call their siblings?

 Here's the list; let me know if you have any suggestions for additions. Maybe it will inspire you make your own good morning list -- and then share it with us, of course!

Good Morning (LP Version) Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Connor & Gene Kelly
Good Morning (feat. TobyMac) Mandisa & tobyMac
First Day of My Life Bright Eyes
Good Morning Beautiful Steve Holy
Good Morning The Kiboomers
Good Morning Good Morning The Beatles
Holy As a Day Is Spent Carrie Newcomer
Good Morning Lionel Richie
Good Morning Aaron Zigman & Alexandre Desplat A
New Day Corey Smith
Good Day Sunshine The Beatles
You Are the Sunshine of My Life Stevie Wonder
You Are My Sunshine Gene Autry
New Day River Valley Church
Day By Day Anna Maria Perez de Taglé & Godspell Ensemble

Dad 5.0

When I met Dear Hubby (aka Paul Tischler) in 1994, we were both idealists in our mid-thirties. At the time, I lived in Houston inside the loop in  a bright and tidy apartment with a bright and amazing roommate (Peggy Jarrett).  I worked, I played, I volunteered, I read, I exercised, I drank socially. I lived a fulfilling, ordered life. Paul, however, swept me off my feet and before I could blink, I was married, living in Austin, and designing our future.

Our plan was basically:  Get married, get pregnant, have 2 or 3 kids (one at a time, of course), raise the kids perfectly, retire early and rich, die happy.  Turns out that this design didn't even make it to Beta.

Here is what actually happened:  Make a few attempts at repairing my infertility, seriously impact my health, I have a hysterectomy, we amend our vision to include adoption, adopt two girls a year and a half apart, travel a lot, wait several years, become foster parents, adopt three at once, and forget that early retirement!

So the version  of "Dad" our family "released" has changed quite a bit since we met.  And it looks a lot different than what either of us thought being a dad meant when we grew up. Yet this is our story and we are writing it this way.

Paul is "that" Dad who takes his kids to sports. We started in gymnastics when the girls were 4 and 2.  A few years later, Dad and the girls had a 2 or 3 year stint in Tae Kwon Do. Several years ago now, first Pepper then Sunshine started fast-pitch softball and that's the one that stuck. We are down to only Sunshine playing right now but Dad is in charge of practices and early arrivals for games. In the fall, all 3 Littles will also play ball.  Paul is "that Dad" who goes to every practice and game, shags balls in the outfield during  practice, runs the scoreboard and shops for cleats.

He is also "that Dad" whose job, as he says, is to "drive, carry and pay."  He has to do more "carry" than most since that stint of trying to cure my infertility left me with a serious lack of cartilage  in the knees and not so great hips and shoulders. All that carrying he does helps me preserve my joints for the long haul and I so appreciate it! He (fortunately) loves to drive because all of these sports and their practices require a lot of driving. We also made an early decision that "the journey is the destination" so most of our trips are road trips and we have traveled about 200,000 miles in the last 18 years, most of them with Paul at the wheel.

He taught the oldest three to ride their bikes, the oldest two to roller-skate and everyone to use a fork and knife. He's the dad you see in the neighborhood on Saturdays, riding bikes or skateboards with the kids. He's also the dad that has taken a half-day off work every Valentines Day for the last 12 years to go "Valentines Bowling" with our kids. As a result, my kids think Valentines Day is a major family holiday.

Now that I am working outside the house for the first time since having kids, he is also "that Dad" that picks the kids up from daycare, takes kids to appointments, wrangles them every Saturday morning while I work, and empties the dishwasher or feeds the kids when I get home late. He's the Dad who goes to Kindergarten awards (a sacrifice greater than you realize).  He is the dad who doesn't comment on the expense when every Friday's dinner seems to be takeout and who also understands that Taco Bell is sometimes an actual necessity.

It takes an extraordinary person to decide to father 5 children. Is he perfect? Of course not. He yells, he threatens, he's overly serious at times -- but he's their Dad and they are getting a good start in life. He loves them and that's what truly matters. He's DAD 5.0.  I am grateful to share my life with him.

The Internet "Doctor": A Cautionary Tale

I started to write a post about my recent experience with Atrial Fibrillation (Afib for short) and well it was just too boring. So instead, here is what I really want you to know:

Do NOT go the internet "doctor" if you think something may be "wrong" with you. Go to the EMERGENCY ROOM or at least the REAL doctor.

Otherwise, this may happen to you:

• 7 different doctors and 20 or more nurses will be astounded at your stupidity
• You may get 9 days of "vacation" you did not count on
• Your family may alternate between high levels of concern and high levels of abject hatred for you while you are on your "vacation" (but they'll hide both well)
• If you are lucky, you will get "stuck "only a few times.  If you are unlucky, you will get stuck 19 times, not counting the last- resort "pick" line when you run out of viable places to poke.
• You might get to take more different meds (at once and every day) than in your entire life to date.  
• You may get to swallow a tube so they can take a look at your innards. But if you are really lucky, you won't remember much.
• You will get a whole new medical vocabulary
• You might learn more about the ICU than any conscious person should know.

It's not all bad news:

• I met a few dozen highly caring, warm and extremely professional nurses, doctors, aids, and housekeepers; I have never received finer care.  
• I didn't have a stroke. I can't say that enough. And I will likely be fine. This could have been far, far worse.
• I found a "bonus" physician for my daughter; a wonderful internist since mine isn't taking new patients.
• I discovered Seton Williamson County has delicious food; really. 
• I actually did get to read a lot of books and, this is important,
• My nails have never looked better! There is nothing like a vacation from housework and untying shoelace knots to improve your manicure.
• My family and I were showered with love and support, especially from our church family. Karen, Anna, Gina, Candace, Leonore, Roberta and Denise (and back to Karen again) - thank you for loving my family in this way; you know how much the ministry of hospitality means to me.
• I was treated to some wonderful visits; no matter how dull I seemed, those visits meant the world to me. Bless you.
• And last but not least, I received last rites for the first time (ha, ha). Father Dean dropped everything to get there before my "procedure" while on his way to a very important Holy Week Chrism Mass. I was not nervous a whit and even though they didn't get to shock my heart, all went well.

So it could be worse. But in truth, a lot or all of this trauma may have been avoided by not self-diagnosing my heart's regular Watusi. Don't do as I did. See a doctor.  The end.

(Photo credit: Mary Chanelle)

A Few Good Books

I've been reading an eclectic but fascinating series of books lately so thought I'd share the list . . .  with one caveat; you have to send me some of your favorite books too!  Three of these were sent to me by two of my favorite readers, Father Sam and my sister, Darinda Huntley. They never steer me wrong.

Novels

These first three were all new authors for me and I will be reading more by each of them!

 Nightwoods by Charles Frazier
This is my favorite kind of novel with many layers of stories within a story.  A fairly contemporary story, the main character is an eclectic single woman who unexpectedly "inherits" two very damaged young children. I could not put this book down and my house is proof!

The Given Day by Dennis Lehane
This is a "man's" book. Historical fiction set just at the end of World War I, Lehane weaves a fascinating story of the intertwining of three characters, Babe Ruth, a good, poor black man trying to eek out a living, and an open-minded Irish cop of means. I loved this book but be warned, there is a fair amount of violence and no romance. Suffice it to say that I had a couple of nightmares in which the events of the story wound themselves into my life. It's a good read that can occupy your imagination even in your sleep.  Lehane authored a follow-up to this book, Live by Night, that I will be reading next. (By the way, this is NOT a book for teens.)

The Incredible Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender
I suspect this novel is technically classified as Sci-Fi, but that part does not come into the story early. It is a completely fascinating tale of a couple of young adults who had a perfectly normal (aka challenging) upbringing. The story is built around a lemon birthday cake and the memories it conjures for the narrator. This book is a true page-turner with a very surprising ending.

Non-Fiction

A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World by Tony Horwitz.  I fell in love with this Pultizer Prize winning journalist when I was assigned Confederates in the Attic for a class on The South. (Thank you Sydney Duncan!) I love history and this is my favorite kind of history. Horwitz begins at Plymouth Rock and digs into the rich history of exploration of our country before the Pilgrims set foot on the famous rock. What results is an amazing -- and sometimes bloody-- story of Conquistadors, ne'er do wells, slaves, native peoples, priests, Vikings, tricksters and quite a few bumbling fools. I had the happy accident of spraining my ankle while reading this book so I had an excuse to neglect my family and read it!

Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales
Just as the title proclaims, St. Francis de Sales instructs the reader on how to live a devout life. Written in the form of a letter to a homemaker, it is intended for the layperson. It is a very meaty book so I could only digest a few pages at a time, but it totally reformed confession for me! And I would venture to say that although there are definitely parts of the book that would be most meaningful to Catholics, a protestant could definitley glean a lot of useful things from his writing. And at 99 cents for the kindle version, you sure aren't taking much of a gamble.

Why do Catholics Do That? by Kevin Orlin Johnson. This is an older book that I originally read while in RCIA. I decided to re-read it as part of the Year of the Faith. 14 years into my Catholic faith life, I definitely benefited from the review. Johnson does not attempt to reconstruct the Catechism (which he encourages every Catholic to read and reference) but rather gives simple explanations of some baffling practices of the faith from the artwork and icons in our church buildings to transubstantiation. Some of the things that people told me were "a mystery of the faith" are actually explained in this book. Most people would probably learn a thing or two from this book -- and since it's interestingly assembled and easy to read, you'd probably enjoy it too!

There are so many more but this ought to put something truly worthwhile in your hands for a day or two!