Crappy Anniversary

Several years ago, I sent a note to someone on the anniversary of a big loss.  She wrote back saying, in short, she did not commemorate "bad" things.  On the face of it, it seems like a good policy.  But is it?

There is a lot to be said for commemorating the bad times.  I had one myself recently.  I have the mind of an elephant. I can remember word-for-word conversations that took place years ago.  I have a great mind for numbers, in general, and dates, in particular.  I am not going to forget the date of anything wonderful that happened.  Likewise, I am not going to forget very bad days, either. Sometimes I wish I could forget, but it is not my nature.  Forgive?  Yes, absolutely.  Forget?  Forget it!

My theory is that if you can't forget it, celebrate it.  So "Crappy Anniversary."  I am not talking about dredging up the past, jumping into muck and then wallowing in it; quite the opposite, actually.  I am suggesting that there is as much to be gained from the "crappy" anniversary as there is from the happy one.

I am able to look at the time has passed since then and see how I have grown from that experience.  I can see that I have become better at speaking my mind, standing up for myself and also admitting when I'm wrong.  I notice that I have never felt more bonded to my "big girls," Dear Hubby and my family of origin.  I see that my struggles encouraged me to reach out and forge stronger bonds with some friends who had been more on the periphery of my life.  It helped me reorder my priorities and make real choices about what matters most to me and how much I am willing to surrender in order to have those things.

We all know from personal experience that gold is forged in the fire.  There is no other way.  If we can look back and see not the flames but the refining, then we can truly learn from our suffering and enjoy what was created.  Therefore, I do not wish you pleasant forgetfulness.  Instead, Crappy Anniversary to you!

Announcement

I was recently invited to a paid blogging position at Adoption.com.   I am blogging about Sibling Adoption, Foster-Adopt, and Foster Care.   I am truly thrilled to be writing three times a week about something near and dear to my heart.  If you are interested in knowing more about foster care or adoption, this site is a great resource.  If you are interested in looking at some of my posts, just go to Adoption.com and search for "Dreena T".  One of my recent posts, "The Combo Basket"  is linked in the title and here.

Balancing Act

The other day I watched my almost two-year old son try to balance on the edge of the curb.  He took several steps in a row, slipped off, got back on again, slipped off immediately, and then finally had several yards of successful balancing.  As impressive a toddler feat as this is, what struck me most was his demeanor.

When he lost his balance, he just got back on and started moving forward again.  He did not berate himself for getting out of balance.   With a toddler's blissful absence of  mind-talk --equanimity if you will -- he did not judge himself at all.  Conversely, he instinctively realized he could not make progress unless he regained his balance first.  He experimented a bit by standing taller and shifting his weight around until he regained equilibrium. 

Equilibrium.  It's such a great word -- it refers not only to the physical act of balancing, but also the mental act, equanimity.  Sure, adult lives are complex.  But the principals of balancing are still simple; in the absence of mind-talk, it's just not that complicated.

Tending the Garden

My back lawn is a mess.  There, I said it.  I could blame it on the dogs, or the sprinklers which stop working at least annually or the five kids or the fact that until this year, I have worked a lot during the gardening seasons.  The truth is simpler.  I stopped tending the garden.

It happens.  Life goes on, our priorities change, we lose sight of things that once mattered.  That's the pretty way to say it.   I saw things declining and dying and I did not act. I didn't act. Instead, I rationalized.  I blamed. I denied.  I ignored.  And that, my friends, is the crux of the matter.

It started innocently enough.  I am no expert on landscaping and when a drought -- albeit due to a mechanical failure -- killed a sizable group of plants, I wasn't sure when to replace them for optimal results so I never did.   I didn't trim back a shrub because I might not do it right.  I didn't pull up a couple of volunteer trees when they were seedlings because they are really hard to pull out and I didn't ask for help either.  Pretty soon, I became blind to the periphery of the back yard space.  Then I just stopped hanging out out there.  I take the kids out, sure, but then I'm busy.  I focused on my work which coincidentally heated up in the spring and fall -- prime gardening season in Texas.

Today it's jungle or wasteland, depending on where you look.  There are a few spots of beauty mixed in, but it's too early in the season to see them yet.  By Easter, we will have some flowers on the fairy roses and the purple sage.  The dwarf lilac tree will bloom and maybe some lillies.  I can "see" it now.  So like me to look on the bright side.

The salient point to ponder then, is this:  Am I or am I not a leader in my own life?  Where else in my life do I  ignore, blame, deny and rationalize?  What else is not being tended?  And how long will I sit on my hands, letting nature take its course?   Food for thought.

Growing a New Mindset

I've been doing some reading lately on Cognitive Behavior Theory and how that interplays with new research being done through brain imaging.*  It's a little complicated for a lay person to untangle, but what it seems to come down to is this:  It's easier to change our behavior than to change our mind.  People, it appears, really do have a "mindset."  This mindset applies to almost every area of our lives.  We are probably all aware that we have a mindset about right and wrong, good and bad, but we also have a mindset about subtle things too, like which things are delicious and which colors are pretty.

Look at forgiveness, for example.  Do you remember when you were a child and a sibling or close friend hurt your feelings in some (to you) terrible way and your parents told you to forgive that person?  Can you remember how completely crazy and foreign that idea sounded?  To children, the "black and white" of "right and wrong" is as true and absolute as the notion that the sun will both rise and set each day.  It's only with age and experience that the black and white of right and wrong begins to gray and blur at the edges.  Forgiveness is a fascinating platform for investigating our mind-behavior interaction.

Also fascinating is how our cognition effects us when we want to change our behavior in some way.  For example, last year, I lost 45 pounds or so.  Then I plateaued for 10 months and am only now managing to lose again.  Research has repeatedly shown that most weight loss plateaus are caused by "lessened effort" as opposed to metabolic causes.  Therefore, I had to examine the root cause of my reduced efforts.  What I noticed was how easy it is for me to say, "I am too busy to . . ." or "Taking care of this (person or appointment) is more important than ( my food plan or my exercise)" or "Eating a special diet is too (blah, blah, blah). . ." and thus justify my choices. 

This was truly confounding to me.  I am a helpful person.  I'm generous with my time and talents.  I am quick to say "yes" when asked to aid another.  I'm industrious and hard working.  So why am I unwilling to aid myself? 

This is where cognitive behavior theory comes into play.  Ultimately, it is easier to think the way I've always thought than to change my mind.  Relapse is a huge issue for anyone trying to change their behavior.  That's because -- in theory -- it's easier to change your behavior than change your mind.  I've known people who stopped smoking for years, then relapsed in an evening at a bar and starting buying cigarettes again the next day.  Even with all we now know about smoking and our health, in the end, it's easy to justify. At some point, they made it okay for themselves and now "smoking is okay" is the default position.   It's our mindset.  This is why someone suffering from morbid obesity and diabetes can buy and eat that chocolate bar.  This is why the addict relapses.  Understanding the power of the mindset gives me a lot of empathy for people that I might be tempted to judge.

There is good news, however;  If we can change our behavior long enough, we can actually change our minds.  Recent research using brain imagery has documented these changes and it is good news, indeed.*  If you can successfully change your behavior long enough to form a new habit, your mind will start to accept the new norm.  You can actually change your mind and reset the position of that "switch."   The new mindset, however, is quite elastic;  for a long period of time it wants to re-form into the old mold, so vigilance and perseverance become important characteristics for success.

In my every day life it all boils down to this.  For years, I've subscribed to the notion that if I can repeat an action (or avoid repeating it) for 21 times, I can form a new habit.  It appears then, that by forming that new habit I truly can "act my way into right thinking."  The "but" is that it may take longer than I think it should and it may take some effort to keep the new way of thinking in the new shape.   I can live with that!

*Footnote: I don't have many references to share with you for either the brain imaging or the Cognitive Behavior Theory because I was not thinking about blogging as I was reading and absorbing it!  However, this is an ongoing topic of interest, so as I come across references for these things later on, I will come back and add in some links here.