Cross-Purposes and True Intention

 I'm on day 5 of a journey called a 10-day Family Recharge.  Whatever your job is, try to imagine that a kind, creative soul came in and said, basically, "Just for today, what if you tried this?  Here is some inspiration.  Here is some encouragement.  Here is some support."  Now imagine that tomorrow, they come back in with something else, presented again as an offering, open handed, open heartedly.  And you can simply not resist because the leadership is so inviting and non-demanding.  This is my experience of the re-charge so far.  It has been a warm place to walk into.  

 

Yet, today, I awakened quite tired and full of stress.  Just like an advanced course, somewhere mid-way, I am starting to take stock.  I am being hard on myself for not being 100% the person 0r wife or parent I want to be. I am having trouble seeing the work I am doing and that my intention is what shines through even when I am not meeting all my goals.  I am having trouble seeing past the not so successful potty training, the Mount Laundry, the messy rooms; I can't see the forest for the trees.

So I lulled myself (almost) to sleep.  I was literally about to take a nap when I thought, "Well, I'll just check my email first."  When I did, I saw this amazing video and I had an epiphany. 

My house is not always messy.  It's not as if people throw something on the floor and I never pick it up.  It's an evolution.  The kitchen is clean every day -- sometimes two or three times!  But we live there.  We cook all our meals at home - our kitchen is the heart of our family; 6 people are in this house 24 hours a day, and 7 live here for 14.  It's not a realistic "want."

I am getting what I wanted from the re-charge.  I am reconnecting with my family in new and profound ways.  I am seeing myself and each member of the family with new eyes.  I feel more relaxed and less worried.  I wanted to re-create our life together and that is happening, completely.

To be completely honest, the intention I had "on paper" for the re-charge was not my true intention.  My true intention was to become something like super-mom.  I can see that now.  I knew what I needed was an "easing into" my true motherhood -- my genuine love of children and to let that joy and love out -- but I still subconsciously thought I should want something more.  Talk about cross-purposes!

Whew.  I feel it easing in me already.  And I am already laughing at myself.  If my old buddy Will Pyke were reading this, it would crack him up too.  It's Seven Days all over again.  Oh my gosh.  I can only stand about 3 days of trusting myself and then I have to have a little breakdown.  

 

My true purpose is to love my family with my whole heart and to love myself in the process.  I can move toward a more conscious living space with them.  It's not for me to do; it's for us to do to the best of our abilities and without forsaking what truly matters:  That each and every one of us has the chance grow into the person we are created to be.  One day all the children will be grown and my house will be clean.  And then it will be time for a new purpose.    

 

A wise man named Richard Perry once said, "God has not given me a single moment of control, but every moment of choice!"  I'm over it now.  I really am.  In the snap of a fingers, I can change my perspective. 

 

Thanks be to God.  And me.  and Annie.  and Erin.  And you, too, Will Pyke, wherever you are!  Blessings on you all.

The Water Wheel

This weekend I "stirred" the contents of the house again.  Dear hubby hauled a crib to the attic and a bed down; I hauled a crib and other stuff to the fire victims.  I built the bed and rearranged the little kids' room.  Now I am sorting through a Mount Vesuvius of toys. I'm actually afraid if I don't tame this growing beast, it's gonna blow.  A week ago I did this whole routine with clothes;  it seems like all the little kids suddenly shot up and outgrew everything.

I don't mind this routine of shuffling, sorting and purging.  It's quite satisfying, really.  What hangs me up, however, is that every time, I think, "This time, I finally have it all in order."  Then a week later, I'm doing the same thing with some other set of someone's somethings.  I thought last weekend, "It never ends."

Bingo.  The reality of life in a household of seven is that a constant cycle of stuff coming and going is essential.  I'm now seeing it as a wheel, like a water wheel.  With every revolution, some water comes off and goes back into the pool and some new water is scooped up.  Maybe if I'm not always hoping I'm finished, I'll be able to fully commit to the process of evolution.

It's just like my spiritual work, isn't it?  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in getting the job done, I actually start to  think I'm "finished."  But seriously, can I ever be "finished" noticing what trips me up?  Can I be "done" refining my goals, deepening my faith or feeding my relationships?  Of course not, it's a ridiculous thought even if it does float around -- unnoticed -- from time to time in my subconscious.

I am bringing that image of the water wheel into my spiritual life.  My spiritual "work" is constantly changing and yet it bears some striking similarities to work I have done in the past.  With every revolution of the big wheel I am scooping up a fresh outlook, a new opportunity while letting go of that which is not essential.  It is truly a constant and ongoing process of purging and refining and-- in recognizing its ongoing-ness -- I am able to release the demand that every step be the perfect one. 

All spiritual work is "good" work.  It is all contributing to the process of me becoming more and more the woman I was created to be. Sometimes I can afford to take my eyes off the prize and focus them on enjoying the journey.